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I'm taking a break from school. I simply have no more fucks to give. For fifteen long, mind-numbing years, I've sat at a desk, read the material, did homework, and took tests. What did I get out of it? An education of course! An education in which I do not utilize a good 90% of the knowledge I learned (and I am being extremely generous in that number).
I will not deny that school has helped in making me who I am today, and I greatly prefer an excessive education over an under-education [truly I pity s/he who prefers the latter over the former], but Jesus fucking Christ! Enough is enough!
No more essays, no more lectures, no more reading, no more assignments! I can't take it anymore! I always procrastinate on my homework because I just don't have the heart to do them any more. Every time I have to go to school, a sense of dread and disgust fills me; every time I need to do a reading, I avoid it if possible and just wing it in class; every time I have homework to do, I wait and wait and wait until I can no longer wait. My disposition towards university has grown so sour that I develop headaches from simply being going. Hell, I'm writing this on a computer at school just so I won't have to do my school work.
Ugh! Thank the Allspark that the end game is coming and I won't go to school for a nice long while.
Now that I work in tandem with attending university, I no longer have time for my true passions. I always have something or other to do and it's driving me bonkers! I want to write without any distractions, Goddammit! When I get off work, I want my work to stay at work, not follow me home.
Call me whiny, call me spoiled, but answer me this honestly: what kind of life is it where you constantly have dedicate your time to everyone and everything else but you? Be judgmental all that you want, but I'm going to spend the next few months following my passions and exploring myself.
I will not deny that school has helped in making me who I am today, and I greatly prefer an excessive education over an under-education [truly I pity s/he who prefers the latter over the former], but Jesus fucking Christ! Enough is enough!
No more essays, no more lectures, no more reading, no more assignments! I can't take it anymore! I always procrastinate on my homework because I just don't have the heart to do them any more. Every time I have to go to school, a sense of dread and disgust fills me; every time I need to do a reading, I avoid it if possible and just wing it in class; every time I have homework to do, I wait and wait and wait until I can no longer wait. My disposition towards university has grown so sour that I develop headaches from simply being going. Hell, I'm writing this on a computer at school just so I won't have to do my school work.
Ugh! Thank the Allspark that the end game is coming and I won't go to school for a nice long while.
Now that I work in tandem with attending university, I no longer have time for my true passions. I always have something or other to do and it's driving me bonkers! I want to write without any distractions, Goddammit! When I get off work, I want my work to stay at work, not follow me home.
Call me whiny, call me spoiled, but answer me this honestly: what kind of life is it where you constantly have dedicate your time to everyone and everything else but you? Be judgmental all that you want, but I'm going to spend the next few months following my passions and exploring myself.
Desire, desire
over the years, as i've studied eastern theosophies, one theme that kept cropping up is the human tendency for desire. in the past i've spurned materialism because i felt that it got in the way of spiritual pursuits and enlightenment. even now i have mixed feelings about materialism and desire, but i'm at the point where i see benefits to those ideas. after all, without desire, i would be nowhere. it is desire that drives my spirituality: my desire to reach enlightenment, my desire to reach my ultimate potential, my desire to live a balanced and wholesome life. my egotistical desires also drive me: my desire to aid humanity, my desire to be a legend, my desire to have a family of my own. and over the years, i've come to somewhat respect material pursuits. without materialism, my life would be significantly more challenging and unnecessarily uncomfortable. i adore the material comfort of having hot water and an array of kitchen doodads with which to cook my sumptuous meals. i love
moving along
there's so much i want to say, jacques, but as i've whined to you in the past, it feels so hard (much too hard) to type it out to you. recently, i was promised the world: a friend, money, a lover. the friend i desire most of all as i'm so painfully lonely. i have my parents, and i have my family across the street, but i just can't be myself around them as they wouldn't understand, and there's a secret that i daren't whisper aloud as i fear it so. a friend would help however, as friends are the loves we choose to make; family is the love that we are born with. there's no changing who my aunts are, who my cousins are, who my father is, but a friend is a choice and one we make every day. i so wish i had a friend. i don't have any emotional attachment to money beyond how it serves me. i want to have my own roof over my head, a car to get me from point a to point b, food in my kitchen, medicine in my bathroom, clean and hot water in my pipes, electricity in my walls, internet in my air,
Intense Dreams
Dr. Sigmund Freud once called dreams 'The royal road to the subconscious.' i have so many intense dreams, jacques, and sometimes they're that: insight into my subconscious. sometimes they're lessons, usually about listening, or humility. it's been so long since i've last told you about my dreams, jacques... i want to get into the practice again. ---------- in this dream, i was in a special room with a friend of mine. this room had many objects of power, and one of them was a painting that could take you to different places. i turned to my friend and said 'I'm going to write a note for your sister, so that she knows where we're going.' i started to write the note, but my friend stopped me. 'It's too late,' he said, 'we're already here.' and sure enough the room took on a bluish tint. we walked out the door and saw the painting took us to Tokyo. my friend left me to explore. i looked up and relished the sunny blue sky. as i was looking up, i saw the Enola Gay flying overhead
pain and layers
i was hurt a lot jacques, by evil people of course, but mainly by people who are 'on the right side'. it's been months since i've stopped talking to those people, but even so their thoughts, their words, their actions, their feelings still haunt me in mostly, terrible and abusive ways. i once asked someone if i could hug and kiss him. "That's not happening." i knew i wasn't entitled to his affection, but it still hurt me to get rejected. i was in a shitty, vulnerable place, and i needed to be held. even now i still cry about it. i just needed to be held, and it hurts to know he couldn't be what i needed. i keep trying to get over that pain, but no matter what i do i keep circling back to that sadness of rejection. it hurts, jacques. once upon a time i was chatting with my bully. i can't remember how our conversation started, but i told him "[I was] just the flavor of the month" for him to hate. "Is that how you think we work?" my bully had perfectly lied to my face before
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